Hyperventilation. Tachycardia. Flushing. Abdominal butterflies. Exhilaration interspersed with moments of head-banging. Inability to control inappropriate language when confronted with stupid authority figures. A compulsive need to wear green, particularly as face paint. Episodes last approximately four hours and occur at weekly intervals beginning at the end of summer. Miss a fix, severe depression ensues. Rarely fatal, it consumes the lives of its victims until the end of November. There is no cure. Be prepared for the acute onset of……
Notre Dame Football.
As I write, my fighting Irish have just won against Pittsburg. I’m wearing my Joe Montana #3 green and gold ND jersey. That’s why they won. They always win when I wear it. Since this is the first time I’ve worn it, it’s 100% effective!
The highlight of college football in this area is the Stanford vs. Cal Berkeley match up. This is known as “The Big Game”. Many years ago I worked at Stanford’s emergency department on a night when it was Stanford’s turn to host “The Big Game”. Big mistake. There are approximately one-trillion people on the Stanford campus for this game and they aren’t tee-totalers, if you get my drift. Normal, rational, intelligent, law abiding, mature adults turn stark raving mad! Folks old enough to remember “American Bandstand”. In black and white. Not the college kids. Their grandparents! Take the usual complement of diverse, interesting cases usually found at a teaching hospital and forget ’em. All resources are geared toward treating Adult Onset College Football Insanity Syndrome patients in epic numbers.
Not that there is anything wrong with that. You don’t know the suffering until you contract the disease yourself. My daughter’s college had no football team, so I was spared the onset of symptoms. Then my son was accepted into Notre Dame. Oh….it starts slowly at first. One week you watch a game. The next week you might have a bit o’ green on your socks. Before you know it you’re wearing game jerseys and setting up a shrine for former quarterbacks on your television set and lighting candles to the leprechan and wanting your son to get the autograph of that cute guy on defense and then before you know it you are swearing to God you’ll never buy another thing on eBay without your husband knowing if he’ll JUST LET THEM SCORE ONE……MORE…..TOUCHDOWN………!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Not that there’s anything wrong with that. I’m mean, I’ve never painted my face green and I’ve never had a green beer because no one has ever offered me one. I’ll be attending the Stanford vs. Notre Dame game in November and I have zero intention of needing the services of the Stanford Medical Center Emergency Department.
I will, however, also be attending a game on the Notre Dame campus this season. God help the Irish when they get a load o’ me. I may go stark, raving nuts.
Not that there’s anything wrong with that.