I flunked Bathtub Fundamentals.
I was unable to differentiate between soap scum and an acute exacerbation of mold.
The primordial ooze probably started in my bathroom.
I find it amazing that scrubbing bathrooms was considered a nursing function.
I don’t even like scrubbing patients!
The Emergency Department is full of miraculous stories, too. I’ve been witness to a few of them.
I have seen the miraculous appearance of track marks on the arms of a person who has never even thought of using drugs and has no idea how she got that awful abcess/cellulitis.
I’ll never forget the teenager whose family found him slumped over a toilet seat one holiday afternoon. They would have thought is was the flu except that he “just wasn’t himself”. He never drank. His ETOH level was .23. Truly a miracle.
A patients experiences a miraculous loss of all friends, relatives, and acquaintances when it comes time to leave the ER. A taxi voucher is their only way home and they can’t call the person who brought them to the ER because they work!
And let us not forget the miraculous methamphetamine presence in the urine tox of those who never use meth.
I’ve had patients have a miraculous onset of destitution when it comes to filling a prescription. Or maybe it’s a miraculous windfall that allowed them to purchase the alcohol and cigarettes in their paper bag.
It’s not that I’m cynical this holiday season, I’m really the least cynical person I know.
But….will someone please tell me if I have “stupid” stamped on my forehead?