April 19, 2006, 6:30 pm

Please Feed the Animals


Now this is priceless.

The ad says if marital love cools, she should not blame her husband, but take a look at herself.

This woman is “locked out” by her husband….because she doesn’t douche with Lysol!!!

People, I use Lysol to clean my bathroom.

I know what it does to soap scum, I’d hate to think what it does to mucous membranes.

I guess her reluctance to kill every “germ” residing “down there” has killed her chances for “happily married love”.

I guess it is her responsibility to keep her “dainty feminine allure” so that her husband doesn’t padlock the door of his emotional accesability.

Does that mean if you aren’t married, you don’t have to use the Lysol?

Oh wait, how silly of me.

No one had premarital sex back then.

Oh, and by the way, there are no greasy after effects.

Just thought you’d want to know.

Hey, wait a minute….

I must have been immaculately conceived or I was born a premie three months early weighing seven pounds, nine ounces.

Hey, mom……

What is the most important thing to a bustling, hellacious, active, crazy ER?

What keeps the staff moving, the morale high, the energy flowing?


Lots of food.

I’m not talking about the tiny little Tupperware container containing last night’s leftovers that you carry in your little brown sack to the staff lounge.

I’m talking FOOD.

The type of food that you can run in and grab (after washing your hands, of course), stand for one minute (by the clock), chew, swallow and then rush back out to resume care of your patient.

Here is an example of a morale-boosting table of food. Please note the ease of consumption and the rapidity with which it can be consumed:

  • Baguettes. Lots of Baguettes. Preferably sliced into approximately 3/8 inch slices.
  • Spreads. Hummus, cream cheese, pimento cheese spread, garlic spread (preferably Allouette), spreads with jalapeno (for the more adventurous gastrointestinal tracts) and brucheta-type spreads.
  • Cheese.
    • Not just a big hunk of generic cheddar, although beggars cannot be choosy.
    • Brie, swiss, monterey jack, pepper jack, mild cheddar, provolone.
    • Preferably already sliced into baguette-sized rectangles (except the Brie).
  • Chips.
    • Potato, tortilla,vege (if you must).
    • Ranch, Regular, Sour Cream and Onion, Barbeque, Salt and Vinegar (for those of us who indulge our British heritage – it’s as close as I get to fish and chips, unfortunately).
    • Nacho, Super Nacho, Mega Nacho and Vaso-dilating Nacho.
  • Dips. Onion, Ranch, Salsa in mild, medium and blow-your-sinuses out caliente, Spinach, guacamole.
  • Candy. Chocolate. Copious amounts.
    • Preferably bite-sized and non-caramel, for you can not rush a caramel and what happens if a patient codes mid-chew?
    • No, for the sake of our patients, our chocolates must be rapid-release, like M&Ms.
    • It is a little known fact that staff members who bring in jelly beans are shunned.

And there you have it!

There are a few additonal facts that I find quite interesting.

  • While the day shift will often perfer bagels and cream cheese, the PM shift will eat anything and the night shift often goes “gourmet”.
  • All food consumed while on the job is burned off within five minutes.
    • Unless you are having a slow (yes, I said the “s” word!) night.
    • Then it will burn off in ten minutes.
  • ER staff never under any circumstances “double dip”.
    • Our parents taught us manners.
    • We take infection control seriously.
    • If you didn’t chart it, you didn’t do it, so therefore if you don’t chart “double-dipping” you obviously did not do it.
  • Doctors who bring in food are 98.9% more popular among the nurses than those who do not.
  • Nurses who bring in food are 200% more popular amongst the doctors than those who do not.
    • We invite everyone to eat.
      • There is no status when it comes to the nurses’ food.
      • Med students, interns, residents, registrars, primary docs, attendings and consultants are all able to consume equally.
    • We include the paramedics,too.

They say music can soothe the savage beast. Well in our ER, it is food that can soothe even the most stressed staff member.


  • Dawn

    April 19, 2006 at 8:16 pm

    Ahhhh food the universal cure to all that ails the medical professional. I agree! When working in a family practice dental office, the specialty offices (ortho, endo etc.) who sent over the best food, and sent it routinely, are the ones who we sent our referral patients to. :o) You scratch our back, we scratch yours.

  • Kelly

    April 19, 2006 at 8:30 pm

    Ah, yes. And it is also the reason why we “medical assistant” types would GLADLY schedule a drug rep to inundate our doc’s lunches—the free food! The nurses and med assistants got to choose what WE wanted, and yet we didn’t have to hear the schpeal. I mean, it doesn’t get any better than THAT!

  • Ged

    April 19, 2006 at 8:46 pm

    What I love is when someone brings in (or gives us) a bowl of ripe avocados. Doesn’t happen often, but man those things disappear fast!

  • Karen

    April 19, 2006 at 10:40 pm

    Auugghhh … reading that made me SO HUNGRY! Your ER sounds like a fun place to work!

    Good read – and certainly one I’ll remember when it’s time to thank our hosting clinical facilities next semester! 🙂

  • Bob

    April 20, 2006 at 7:04 am

    Hi. Whats this about jelly beans. Can you elaborate on why staff memebers who eat jelly beans are shunned?

  • Mama Mia

    April 20, 2006 at 10:09 am

    EXACTLY! (except for the jelly bean thing – we will eat ANYTHING, including jelly beans, skittles, jujubes, twizlers, ANYTHING!)

  • missbhavens

    April 20, 2006 at 10:52 am

    Lysol? Well, of course! Doesn’t everyone want their vagina to be pine-fresh?

    You’ve got a lot of healthy food on that list! The only thing on our table is donuts. When I nosh on carrot sticks I get teased.

  • Robin

    April 20, 2006 at 11:08 am

    Yeah, Lysol. And if that doesn’t work, try Mr. Clean!


    On another topic: Kim, would you mind sending me an e-mail so I can reply back to you? I want to send you a little ‘housewarming gift’ for your new site.

  • Dr. Deb

    April 20, 2006 at 1:22 pm

    Welcome to your new home. I’ll have to update your link!

  • D Bunny

    April 20, 2006 at 4:10 pm

    Now see, I have my head up my ass for a week or two and you move AND get an awesome new design!

  • Kim

    April 20, 2006 at 4:19 pm

    Ah, the great jelly bean controversy. LOL! We don’t really shun anyone, I was exaggerating for effect because frankly, we will eat anything and everything.

    I simply prefer chocolate, as it seems to elicit more endorphins than jelly beans. And next will be jelly beans or anything else that is chewy and “red” because “red” is the best flavor! : D

  • TC

    April 20, 2006 at 5:55 pm

    Ohhhh!!!! Missbhaven beats me to the piney fresh joke. Oh well. I love nibblies at work. One time, during EMT week, they put out this HUGE sheet cake that was actually quite tasty w/a big pot of Joe and then were all like, “it’s for EMT’s only!” But we were all scarfing it down. So don’t forget cake on your list! mmmmmm. Working nights has made me memorize the menus, prices and delivery hours for countless restaurants.

  • Kim

    April 20, 2006 at 6:15 pm

    Oh geeze, how could I forget CAKE? And if you’re just trying to even out the slice there aren’t even any calories!

    My bad!

  • Jodi

    April 21, 2006 at 10:53 am

    Last night we had Pizza and Chocalate Malt balls in the loubnge. Since we were doing “Team Nursing” and I was the med nurse for 12 patients, I did exactly as you described….inhaled cold pizza in one minute so as to get back to my 2100 meds.
    (It was my very last clinical night, though…..woo hoo!)

About Me

My name is Kim, and I'm a nurse in the San Francisco Bay area. I've been a nurse for 33 years; I graduated in 1978 with my ADN. My experience is predominately Emergency and Critical Care, and I have also worked in Psychiatry and Pediatrics. I made the decision to be a nurse back in 1966 at the age of nine...

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