August 28, 2006, 5:47 am

A Journey To Hysteria

login_hero.jpgLast night there was a research experiement designed to measure the physiological effects of prolonged exposure to continuous high-decible stimuli with vocal repetition of pre-determined syllables.

I selflessly volunteered.

The preliminary findings are as follows:

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It began with anticipatory anxiety.

Although there had been previous projects, this particular experiment had an abrupt change in a significant variable.

Journey’s lead singer was sick.

Yet another hit to the psyche of Journey fans, who have experienced repeated loss over the last 30 years, seemingly without permanent psychiatric scars.

A substitute of equal stature was named.

Could this unknown quantity, by the name of “Jeff Scott Soto”, provide the homeostatic mechanism so desperately needed for the experiment to succeed?

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Like, totally.

Soto appeared to be of above average height, athletic, and upon opening his mouth set off a chain reaction of hormonal influences.

Adrenaline. Endorphins. Pheromones.

In scientific terms, the guy had it goin’ on.

While no permanent damage was noted, transient deafness, pronounced laryngitis and profuse diaphoresis followed by psychic exhaustion was experienced by at least 99% of the experiment subjects.

(The other 1% had altered their level of consciousness and were unavailable for follow-up.)

One female participant who was placed in the fourth row, center, seemed particularly affected by the Soto Solution.

Soto, while 41 years of age acted with the vigor of a 25-year-old. One particular female subject, while 49, believes she actually regressed hormonally to the level of a 17-year-old adolescent.

This particular participant has voluntarily chosen to submit herself to repetitive auditory stimulation by the Soto variable and will continue to study the phenomenon beyond the scope of this inquiry.

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A twenty-five minute interval was allowed to give the subjects an opportunity to regain their equilibrium, their hearing and to reduce their bladder volume, prn.

After ascertaining the ability to tolerate another 90 minutes of repetitive rhythms, the volunteers were subjected to a stimulus of even greater intensity.

Prior to this study, one particular female participant was found who wouldn’t have known a Def Leppard from a Blind Cheetah.

She agreed to stay for the second half of the experiment due to heavy peer pressure, as her, like, Bestest Friend EVER was a Def Leppard enthusiast.

(Exploring this susceptibility to outside influence, it was noted that these two females had met in 1972 and had bonded over a much less intense auditory stimuli, namely the Osmond Brothers.

It is not known whether the Osmonds have been responsible for other such bondings of 34 years or if these participants represented an anomaly in the time/space continuum.)

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One particular female described it as though “the bass guitar was plugged directly” into her sternum.

This unusual ability to feel the music could be attributed to the fact that the subject couldn’t even hear herself scream.

It was a point of concern that Def Leppard had two lead guitarists.

Would this lead to sensory overload as the cerebral synapses, already experiencing a burn-out of neurotransmitters following Neal Schon’s guitar virtuoso performance, deplete their final serotonin molecule and leave the subjects in a catatonic state?

No.

One particular female noted that Journey and Def Leppard shared a similar style of auditory stimulation that stimulated her to purchase a two-CD set of Def Leppard’s greatest hits from iTunes within two minutes of arriving home.

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Let it also be noted that I undid the work of four weeks of physical therapy on my back in three hours of unrelenting stomping, hip bumping, air punching and BIC flicking.

The things I put myself through in the name of science.

Oh, and Joe Elliot? Where have you been all my life?

2 Comments


  • Wendy, S.N.

    August 28, 2006 at 6:42 am

    Wasn’t that the greatest!?!?!?!?! I had so much fun when they were here last month. Did Dean Castronovo (drummer) sing the ballads at your Journey show?

    Yeah, that was definitely a not to be missed experience. Glad you got to go.

    W. 🙂



  • geena

    August 31, 2006 at 12:24 pm

    I found this post very amusing, Kim 🙂 Great writing.


About Me

My name is Kim, and I'm a nurse in the San Francisco Bay area. I've been a nurse for 33 years; I graduated in 1978 with my ADN. My experience is predominately Emergency and Critical Care, and I have also worked in Psychiatry and Pediatrics. I made the decision to be a nurse back in 1966 at the age of nine...

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