September 14, 2006, 9:05 pm

West Coast Offensive

kotex

Oh, this is rich!

If you are having a bad time of the month, and would rather keep your cramping, bloating, headachy self at home for a day or two, your boyfriend will run off!

With a Kotex user!

So that’s why I never had a boyfriend in Junior High!

I was a Modess Maiden!

If I had only known!

But Kotex was the worst brand. It would like…

Disintegrate!

And of course, men were mindless idiots who could be “taken” at the drop of a hat by a cunning and crafty females.

That has to be the most insulting male stereotype I’ve heard. EVER.

So let’s see….

Comfortable feminine protection, two aspirin and a hot water bottle or…

A date with a groovy dude!

I’ll stick with my Stayfree and Excedrine.

Have a good time!

******************************

Well, it finally happened. I was forced to utilize the services of a Borders.

After maintaining my boycott for lo these many months, I discovered myself in a place where no Starbucks exists. I know. Hard to believe.

But it’s true.

Having just dropped my daughter off at a multi-million dollar mansion (I’m not joking) for a friend’s surprise birthday party, I did not want to drive all the way home.

(This area used to be the “boonies”, now it’s freakin’ Beverly Hills. I remember when there were COWS right where I’m sitting!)

So….old but sturdy Macintosh G4 Powerbook in hand, I began searching for a T-Mobile Wireless location.

When what to my wonderous eyes should appear? A Borders, you see. And so I am here.

No music, but TEN, count ’em TEN cushy chairs EACH WITH THEIR OWN LITTLE OUTLET! Right there!

Yea, but though I shall enjoy my presence in this cathedral of wireless ecstasy, tomorrow the boycott shall resume.

With just a bit less enthusiasm.

I swear, the things I do for my art….

Oh, and will you all please click on my ads so that I, too, can afford a multi-million dollar home instead of the Beverly Hillbillies’ old shack?

Thank you.

******************************

Once upon a time there was a homeless gentlewoman whose primary occupation was to stay as inebriated as possible as often as possible for as long as possible.

She used a walker. The nice kind. With a seat.

It must have been a gift, because said gentlewoman never had money for food. Or a place to sleep. But she always found the money to maintain her primary occupation.

Our friend has so much hair, she makes Cher look like Captain Picard.

And she is in great need of a shower, as it appears she often mistakes her “Hanes Her Way” underwear for Huggies Pull Ups.

She is frugal, however, for she will not throw away a cigarette as long as a micron of white is still noticeable above the filter.

*****

Now on the coast of California is a beautiful little town.

But this town has no hospital.

Our professional inebriate calls this beautiful seaside community her “home”.

But…when the hunger pangs get too strong, she knows what to do.

She leans against the local 7-11 store until someone asks if she needs assistance, for you see, she makes a rather pitiful tableau.

After awhile a Good Samaritan will ask what is wrong and the gentlewoman will aver that her ability to ambulate is quite impaired, to the point of being non-existant.

Ever standing ready to serve, the good paramedics answer the 911 call with enthusiasm and transport our gentlewoman to the Dear County Facility for evaluation of her sudden lack of ambulation.

*****

One fine day, the Dear County Facility was on ambulance diversion. And so the besotted gentlewoman was taken to “Superior Medical Facility”.

My…Superior….Medical….Facility {/shatner voice}.

She loved it there. She received two entire meals and a bed for the whole night shift, complete with warm blankets.

As is their wont, the nurses at Superior Medical Facility showered the patient with compassion as she sobered up to a .24 and was released early on the day shift.

*****

Madame Inebriate loved Superior Medical Facility with a passion unequaled since…well, since whenever.

She loved it so much, the next time she felt the need to eat she called 911 and informed the gracious and ever-so-professional paramedics that her ambulatory ability was again awry.

Only this time she requested Superior Medical Facility.

And even though Dear County Facility was accepting ambulances, and even though our dear Coastside Cuervos Catalina probably didn’t even know the definition of insurance, let alone have any, the eager-to-please paramedics deposited the gentlewoman on a gurney in the ER.

Why, I had no idea that if a homeless, intoxicated, uninsured patient requested a certain facility 40 miles away from home, the firemen/paramedics were required to take them there!

How fortunate for our friend!

*****

Expecting the usual compassion, the lady with the sweet scent o’ cheap whiskey emanating from her person demanded two meals at once, three more pillows, two warm blankets, informed the staff she was gonna-go-have-a-smoke, and demanded something for her nerves every time she woke up from a deep, loud, most definitely un-gentlewomanly sonorous sleep.

Alas, she had played her last card.

For you see, the exact same staff was on that day, and they knew the machinations the old sot would play against their good will and professionalism.

So when the ol’ lady had sobered up to a .24 and requested a taxi voucher to her home 40 miles from Superior Medical Facility, there was only one thing to say:

When hell frickin’ freezes over, honey.

The End.

6 Comments


  • Prisca

    September 15, 2006 at 10:05 am

    That add has me rolling on the ground–thanks I need that!!

    It could always be worse–I could be home w/ Aunt Flo while my beau is out on the town, right??? LOL!



  • NPs Save Lives

    September 15, 2006 at 12:49 pm

    I is a sad situation but it’s hard to remain compassionate when people abuse the system. But we carry on and try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt.



  • Dr Wes

    September 15, 2006 at 1:00 pm

    Great story. Next time she comes in, give her one of these!



  • Heidi

    September 15, 2006 at 6:42 pm

    geez, I’m glad I wasn’t around back then!
    (funny,but man, thats a weird ad)
    I’m assuming the paramedics will eventually get a clue.(if she keeps doing it) I don’t get particuraly ticked off (per say) at people like that, only if its late at night and I’d rather be in bed.

    And you’ve got a very cool blog,btw.



  • Melissa

    September 15, 2006 at 8:13 pm

    If she came to my hospital, management would survey her to make sure that she was happy with her care and if she had any complaints, we would all hear about it. I’m not joking.



  • Julie

    September 16, 2006 at 10:42 am

    I agree with Melissa; and that would be after they admitted her to one of our finer behavioral medicine units.
    Love the Kotex ad. That was back in the day; now we are forced to ‘have a happy period’! Yay!


About Me

My name is Kim, and I'm a nurse in the San Francisco Bay area. I've been a nurse for 33 years; I graduated in 1978 with my ADN. My experience is predominately Emergency and Critical Care, and I have also worked in Psychiatry and Pediatrics. I made the decision to be a nurse back in 1966 at the age of nine...

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