“In a nurse’s own words…”
Well, we can’t exactly read the nurse’s own words so allow me to paraphrase.
Photo number one: “Oh my, I have a splitting headache in my left parietal region. Why…I must be constipated! It’s a well known fact that constipation is the number one cause of migraine headaches!”
Photo number two: “Oh no! The pain has moved to my right parietal region. I have to be at work at 0700, so I had better get this laxative in as soon as possible!
Photo number three: “There, there Mr. Smith. I’ve placed you at a thirty degree angle so you can eat your breakfast. And I’ve fluffed your pillow, just so! You’re so welcome!’ [Thinking to self: “Oh great…that damn laxative is kicking in and I haven’t been able to take a break in five hours. How am I supposed to keep smiling in the throes of the perpetual proclivity of peristaltic pressure?”].
Maybe if she was able to take a break when nature called she wouldn’t be constipated to begin with!
And that pretty much sums up the ad.
You’ll have to trust me on that one.
(I think I went to high school with a Sal Hepatica….)
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And now for our feature presentation…
It sits in an atmosphere of dim gloom,
Within the confines of the dirty utility room.
Until a patient decides that they need to “go”
At which point they summon a nurse, don’t you know!
“I need to pee, and you better scurry!”
“The Lasix is causing my bladder to hurry!”
The bane of existance, the loop diuretic,
Having to carry that porta-pot is just pathetic.
“Oh dear, it’s too high!”
“Oh dear, it’s too low!”
Well I can’t adjust it,
So just sit and “go”!
So why use the contraption,
You might want to ask,
So let me explain
Why it’s up to the task.
The bedpans they spill and the patient can’t lift,
So right up their backs on the sheet the pee shifts.
The bathroom it sits in the hall way down thar,
And the patient can’t hold it to toddle that far!
With bowel movements – geeze,
Don’t get me started,
Half the time is spent cleaning the pot I just carted.
(You expected me to rhyme with a different word there, didn’t you?
Hey, Emergiblog is a classy joint, okay?)
No sooner do I scrub,
and bleach all soil away,
When the patient, they call
And say “Bring it back here this way!”
The five thousand Fleets
That they tried yesterday,
Have started to work.
And when then are done,
I’m sure they have found
They’ve lost in the neighborhood
Of twenty-five pounds.
I know this is true,
Because I have to haul
The production of the century
Back down the hall.
So give repect where it’s due
to the lowly commode.
And just thank the lord
it can hold all that load.