February 7, 2007, 1:56 pm

An Ode to the Commode

1.jpg

“In a nurse’s own words…”

Well, we can’t exactly read the nurse’s own words so allow me to paraphrase.

Photo number one: “Oh my, I have a splitting headache in my left parietal region. Why…I must be constipated! It’s a well known fact that constipation is the number one cause of migraine headaches!”

Photo number two: “Oh no! The pain has moved to my right parietal region. I have to be at work at 0700, so I had better get this laxative in as soon as possible!

Photo number three: “There, there Mr. Smith. I’ve placed you at a thirty degree angle so you can eat your breakfast. And I’ve fluffed your pillow, just so! You’re so welcome!’ [Thinking to self: "Oh great...that damn laxative is kicking in and I haven't been able to take a break in five hours. How am I supposed to keep smiling in the throes of the perpetual proclivity of peristaltic pressure?"].

Maybe if she was able to take a break when nature called she wouldn’t be constipated to begin with!

And that pretty much sums up the ad.

You’ll have to trust me on that one.

(I think I went to high school with a Sal Hepatica….)

******************************

shane.jpgHe’s young!

He’s cute!

He’s the wind beneath Emergiblog’s wings!

He’s Shane, the Web Guy!

MY web guy.

The man is a walking encyclopedia on successful blogging.

And now you can take advantage of that knowledge.

Enter: Ask Shane.org!

Got a question on how to increase your blog’s visibility?

Need ideas to increase traffic or make a bit of money from the blog?

Want to know if the latest email invitation to join a blog group is worth your time and effort?

Need to know if something is legit vs. a scam?

Ask Shane! He’ll post the answers so all bloggers can benefit from your question!

You’ll always find the link on the top of the right hand sidebar here on Emergiblog.

Better yet, put the link on your blog and it will always be handy!

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And now for our feature presentation…

The Commode

It sits in an atmosphere of dim gloom,

Within the confines of the dirty utility room.

Until a patient decides that they need to “go”

At which point they summon a nurse, don’t you know!

“I need to pee, and you better scurry!”

“The Lasix is causing my bladder to hurry!”

The bane of existance, the loop diuretic,

Having to carry that porta-pot is just pathetic.

“Oh dear, it’s too high!”

“Oh dear, it’s too low!”

Well I can’t adjust it,

So just sit and “go”!

So why use the contraption,

You might want to ask,

So let me explain

Why it’s up to the task.

The bedpans they spill and the patient can’t lift,

So right up their backs on the sheet the pee shifts.

The bathroom it sits in the hall way down thar,

And the patient can’t hold it to toddle that far!

With bowel movements – geeze,

Don’t get me started,

Half the time is spent cleaning the pot I just carted.

(You expected me to rhyme with a different word there, didn’t you?

Hey, Emergiblog is a classy joint, okay?)

No sooner do I scrub,

and bleach all soil away,

When the patient, they call

And say “Bring it back here this way!”

The five thousand Fleets

That they tried yesterday,

Have started to work.

Oh, yippie-ky-aye!

And when then are done,

I’m sure they have found

They’ve lost in the neighborhood

Of twenty-five pounds.

I know this is true,

Because I have to haul

The production of the century

Back down the hall.

So give repect where it’s due

to the lowly commode.

And just thank the lord

it can hold all that load.

The End

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17 Comments

  • A Bohemian Road Nurse...
    A Bohemian Road Nurse...

    February 7, 2007 at 4:08 pm

    Too funny!


  • Mother Jones RN
    Mother Jones RN

    February 7, 2007 at 4:46 pm

    Oh my God, Girl! You are too funny. And that Shane is cute, too!

    MJ


  • girlvet
    girlvet

    February 7, 2007 at 5:21 pm

    Kim – you missed your calling! POET. It is so fun to connect with all the nurses online who blog. Its like having your own support system.


  • Annemiek
    Annemiek

    February 7, 2007 at 5:53 pm

    whoaa!


  • Mama Mia
    Mama Mia

    February 7, 2007 at 6:34 pm

    Nice one!


  • StudentNurseJack
    StudentNurseJack

    February 7, 2007 at 7:03 pm

    I bow down in wonder of your word craftsmanship.


  • Max E Nurse
    Max E Nurse

    February 8, 2007 at 5:03 am

    Joyous! It brings back fond memories of when I used to do such things. Now I just sit on my arse behing a desk and the patients come to me. Oh how life hath changed.


  • Jo
    Jo

    February 8, 2007 at 5:38 am

    That was soooo funny I almost needed a bedpan myself!
    I agree, I think Shane’s a great guy and a great Web guy.


  • Trauma Junkie
    Trauma Junkie

    February 8, 2007 at 7:50 am

    its called FOLEY CATHETER time. The ER Tech’s best freind.


  • Susan
    Susan

    February 8, 2007 at 8:22 am

    Wonderful post! You are a true artiste!


  • Cindy
    Cindy

    February 8, 2007 at 11:40 am

    This is great, I’m going to post a copy at work!!


  • justcallmejo
    justcallmejo

    February 9, 2007 at 8:13 am

    Coffee > nose > keyboard

    BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
    /jo

    p.s. Yes, Shane is cute.


  • TBTAM
    TBTAM

    February 11, 2007 at 7:38 am

    Hey, thanks for the link to Shane – that’s a keeper!


  • Deacon Barry
    Deacon Barry

    February 12, 2007 at 6:51 am

    I’ve just submitted a question to Shane. Thanks for the link.


  • NPs Save Lives
    NPs Save Lives

    February 16, 2007 at 8:23 pm

    Kim, That’s a real gem! Keep them coming!


  • Who Do They Think You Are? » Ask Shane.org
    Who Do They Think You Are? » Ask Shane.org

    February 23, 2007 at 1:00 pm

    [...] For example, I count May, Kim, Mother Jones, apgaRN, Mama Mia, Beth, and many other bloggers as friends, but Kim is the only one I have ever seen (and that was only a single picture), and Mother Jones is the only one I’ve ever talked to on the phone. That’s it. And until Kim outed me a couple of weeks ago, none of them knew what I even looked like, yet I still had access to most of their passwords. [...]


  • [...] constipation is the number one cause of migraine headaches! Photo number two: Oh no! source: An Ode to the Commode, Emergiblog // The Life & Times of an ER [...]


About Me

My name is Kim, and I'm a nurse in the San Francisco Bay area. I've been a nurse for 33 years; I graduated in 1978 with my ADN. My experience is predominately Emergency and Critical Care, and I have also worked in Psychiatry and Pediatrics. I made the decision to be a nurse back in 1966 at the age of nine...

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