Anyone else remember these ads?
You’d always find them in the back of movie magazines. The old ones, with stories about Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton from the mid ’60s. I think one of them was called “Photoplay” or something similar.
I could use a pair of these now.
For some reason, the ability of the lower back to withstand aerobic exercise has to do with the strength of one’s abdominal muscles.
Well, I don’t have any abdominal muscles! Therefore my back is killing me after three days after recovering from last week’s foray into the world of Jazzercise.
I remain undaunted, for tomorrow we do a routine to “Vertigo” by U2!!!!!!!!
And that is like, the best rock song EVER! Therefore, I shall press on with all my strength and pray to St. Jude for the spontaneous appearance of something called “obliques”.
St. Jude is the Patron Saint of Lost Causes…..(and hospital workers! I did not know that……)
I love my job. Really, I do.
But sometimes I just have to laugh. It keeps me sane (relatively).
We are supposed to perform what is called “immediate bedding” or “rapid bedding”. This means that if a bed is empty, the arriving patient will go directly to the room and all services come to them. Triage, the doc, registration. You get the picture.
Now, some of my esteemed colleagues are not availing themselves of this new procedure to ensure high “patient satisfaction scores”, the attainment of which can cause a grown hospital administrator to grovel at the feet of said patients.
Never mind that my facility is consistently at the top of the corporation’s list of said scores. We’re like Avis. #2. Have to try harder.
So, in their infinite wisdom, it has been suggested that for every ten patients that a particular RN utilizes the “immediate bedding” procedure they should get a Starbucks Gift Certificate.
Get out of town.
Hell, for a Starbucks Gift Certificate, I’ll go out to the intersection and bring people in and sit their butt on a bed just to collect ten at a pop!
Just tell me how much the certificate is for and how many I am able to earn and I’ll put a butt in a gurney so fast it will still be warm from the previous occupant.
Because lord knows, we professionals need to be bribed to provide stellar patient care.
But this got me to thinking. What else could be used to entice RNs to provide the patient care du jour required by the administration?
Here are some ideas:
- Bath and Body Works Gift Certificate: to the RN who cares for the most GI bleeds of the day.
- Jiffy Lube Gift Certificate: to the RN who gives the most enemas in one month (hat tip to the ED doc I was working with the night I was brainstoming this post)
- Noah’s Bagels Gift Certificate: to the RN who performs ten female foley catheterizations (think about it, you’ll get it)
- NASCAR.com Gift Certificate: to the RN who performs the fastest door-to-admit in twenty-four hours.
- Gift Certificate to “The Improv”: to the RN who writes the best wisecrack in the margins of the memos pasted to the wall.
- Footlocker Gift Certificate: to the RN who puts ten miles on a pair of shoes in twenty-four hours.
- Denny’s Gift Certificate: to the RN who cares for ten vomiting-for-five-days patients who request a meal on arrival.
And that, apparently, is how you get the RNs to do their professional duty.
You bribe them.
Oh, and one more thing:
- The Apple Store Gift Certificate: to the RN who writes all her blog ideas at work in-between patients and enlists her fellow colleagues in the endeavor.
What do you mean you don’t know anybody like that?